On Halloween day...

Yesterday, I dressed up myself, and enjoyed the pre-Halloween day. I watched the homecoming parade on the main street on campus, and got to see Pep ralley. It was so cold, but fun fun fun!!

I have heard that people need civilized time and party time. Civilized time is known as to "study" or "behave yourself." Human has civilized from animals, so they need to relieve their stress from civilization. Otherwise, their bearance would have a large explosion. Anyway, we need to switch on and off.

I went to a house party last night, and that party happend to be the same place I went last year!! I really didn't know that until I got there.

Even though I had been there and the house was decorated almost in the same way, I felt so different from last year.

I felt so different about English, and people. I felt much comfortable in talking to people in English. I was not afraid at all.

So, it was a kind of interesting experience.






These days, I was being depressed. Not depressed, but wondering. About my future goal and the reason why I do want to be better and better.


I curtail the explanation about how I got to think so, but I thought "I live by myself." It is so arrogant. I know.

But since I was not confident about my identity, I suddenly hated myself being so dependent on other people. As you can read my diary a few days ago, I wanted to listen to myself. And I wanted to deny other people's opinion, saying, "It's not what I think! I must have my own thought!" How arrogant.


And I also remebered my past in which I was so dependent on other people. But now I think it was just mirage. I think I can interpret my past in any way.


Now I've found myself. For the first time, I didn't want to be other people.
I'm so glad that I'm different from them.

Other people are so important to me. Without them, I wouldn't be here. People have a great potential in them. I do have it, too. So, I want to get helped by other people and influence each other. In my opinion, every one and every thing is interconnected and interdependent to each other.


But I do not want to go this way too further because I don't want to tie myself to one extreme thought and lose myself.


Anything needs to be balanced. Little by little. I want to be more stable.


Well, I think I should study....!

Anyway, I feel so much better now.

:)

Pleasant

I want to do something to please my heart.

I feel so good when I believe in something so strongly.

It is joyous to think about tomorrow. We have today for tomorrow.

I feel so content when I achieve something hard as if I look down the good scenery and the path from the top of the mountain.

I feel blessed when I think I was given so many things from other people and surroundings and I am lived for something.

I feel so good when I get done with the things I'm supposed to do on that day.

Of course, I feel my heart hopping when someone praises me. I know that this shouldn't be the number one reason for everything, because people change and nobody has the same opinion...(I think I should think about this later)

I want to maximize my acceptability and possibility, and interpret things in a good way, positive way.


Everything is okay, and going to continue to be okay.

Let's write something.

Since I don't know what I'm thinking about now, so just let's write down here.

I like talkiing with people. I like communication with others. But when I cannot say what I'm thinking and just put it in my mind, I lose the confidnce. It's so simple.

Second, I think I am kind of intimidated now. Maybe I could not say at the meeting earlier.


but everthing is gonna be okay. okay.




Today was one of beautiful days in the fall! So good weather that I even gave up studying and went outside with a book.

I didn't want to miss this good weather. There were several people where I usually have mediation. haha. (That is my secret place on campus, but as long s there are some people, I cannot say that is my own place)

The good thing is I don't have any test this week and can prepare for busy days to come next several weeks.

Actually I'm not sure how much I'm gonna be busy since I just know that I'm gonna have two presentations.


Now, I'm putting myself together.


I'm seeking the answer for a long time. Sometimes I deny my old anwser and renew it to the new one, but I delete it later.

What's happening is I kind of intergrade all my thinking. And test the answer if that is true.


Other people are mirror to me.

When I think, "She is kinda...rude," I might have some rudeness to people.


"I don't like them" Then, I don't like myself.

The vice versa,

"She is so nice!!" Then I might have a possibility of possesing her attraction.

"Listen to me!" Then I probably do not listen to others. Or I don't listen to myself.

So I reflect other people.



I think I don't have to deny my thought. I just believe myself. my answers. That's why I'm kind of intimidated now.


I like those of my words

"Do not forget the blessings given to me. Do not forget to give out those blessings"



I don't wanna depend on people. That's what I used to think until last year.

And I realized the importance of other people.

Dependent.

Independent.

I'm swaying between two ideas.

My ideal is so called "interdependent."


Maybe I've written too long today.

Let's stop here.


Just believe everything is gonna be okay!!
:)

The outset of the week

I didn't go outside today, and I don't have any rash tonight! I was so afraid of that after the dinner.

Now I know pollun is major criminal for the rash. After I knew that rash sometimes occurs from stress. I got stressed out.


Knowing that I'm stressed is more stressful than the stress itself.


Anyway, this week I don't have any test. So I wanna make this week meaningful in a way for renewing my lifestyle.

"The early bird catches the worm"

I hope this proverb is true. As far as the past few weeks in which I tried this, I think this is true.


It's a little bit early, but I'll go to sleep soon and have a good week from tomorrow.

:)

This week..

I don't know why, but I feel last week was soooo long!! Probably it is because I had two tests and twice visitings to the elementary school. It was a blast!!


How cute the child's smile was!! She just gave out a smile, not expecting any return.


I just thought that how much people change from their childhood. So, just the past is the past. I don't mean that people change completely, because the "object" itself does not change. And we act based on what we learned in the past.

Anyway, I think I should go to bed now. The rash just suffers me at night.

I hope tomorrow's going to be a better day than today.

Listen to your heart...

Open your heart, and listen to your heart.


I wanna do something that I want to do, not the things people expect me to do.


Listen to my heart, and know what I want to do.


Open to all possibilities.


I've been oppressing my inner voice for a long time. I considered that I was always wrong and inferior to others. But everyone is so precious. Equal.


Nothing is too late. People change every day. At least I change everyday. My deep side won't change, but my thought changes day to day. Is this right? No, then how about this?

No one knows what is right. Just I know what is right to me.


Digging my deep mind, now I don't know what I want to do in my future. Now I'm standing at the start line. But I think this is not wrong. Every day is a different day, so I can reset my goal anytime.


It looks like I'm taking a detour, but I believe this is a short way in my long life.

Let's see what's gonna happen next. Unpredictable.

I really didn't mean to write this kind of stuff at first when I made this blog, but I like the way it changed.

Psychology.

I have never taken this class, but I think psychology is really interesting and important to your life. I hear parenting is so important to form your character. How much you trust people or how much you can love others and be loved by them are determined by how you were raised.


But nobody has the same developing process and environment. Nothing cannot be said in one word, and you can change your character later in you life; otherwise people and society would be much more serious about raising children.

The last week was so just terrible, but so productive.

I realized how important to keep in good shape. I do need to think about "good life" and "efficient way to study"


Just two more months. I would like to bring back something important with me.

I had a good weekend and I can work hard until next weekend!!


Thank you so much, everybody.
:)

Shortly...

I recovered from being sick, and I talked a lot for the first time since I felt so sick. I just realized that I cannot stat at home that long.




I like to dig my heart deep and think about what caused me to do that action, or what made me this character. It is so interesting to think about the past and its effect now.



What do you want to be?? What is you? What do you want to do? That's the question that runs around in my heart.


I think of thoes answers later, since I've been piled over by so many stuff.

Anyways, let's go to sleep.


Good luck tomorow on myself! Pretty exciting.
:)

cold...

It seems that I should sleep at least 7 hours. And I need one hour before the retirement for blogging, reading books and calming myself down. If I cannot get the day done, I have to give up it. It is my responsibility.........


Recently, I have been watching Japanse TV dramas. My old policy was not to go back to Japanese comteporary culture, but I think I like Japanese TV dramas better than American dramas. Sometimes a Japanese drama is way corney, and I cannot but laught it out, but it teaches me something important. Maybe American dramas teach me something good too, but I haven't watched a good one. Most of them are funny, like Full House or Friends, but sometimes they are so serious.

The one I started watching one month ago is my favorite. The main character is honest, positive and friendly. She is so earnest and believes in herself and other people. Her attitude always strikes me in each episode.


I caught a little cold today, out of sudden. My throat hurts a little. So, after I came back home, I gargle, wear a mask, and keep myself warm. I cannot worsen it. This week is so important to me. Hope I feel better tomorrow.

"Today is tomorrow's treasure."


:)

Future

These days I've been thinking of making a postcard. Picking up the red and yellow pretty leaves, you can make dried leaves with them and put them on the pulp that is made from milk carten or whatever works. And you dry that pulp shaped square. Many Japanese children make these hand-made postcard for their summer assignment. The other day, I picked two red maple leaves with the stem, but I just left them on the desk, and now they are kind of dry and very fragile.


I have an important test on Thursday. I had to read the textbook for 100 pages, but I couldn't. Very sad. But I figured out that the way I read was really unefficient and boring. Maybe I became less motivated. I need a clear and big vision that would keep me awake!!


I think good imagination brings about a good result. To reach out to the marvelous future, I try to do hard.



I think there are tons of topics I wanna write down, but I just leave them in my mind.



I like writing. I don't keep daily, but I have two notebooks and post-its. I like writing. After the write, I can forget what I thought. Very convenient. Actually I don't read back this blog that often...just keep writing. Maybe someday I would be so embarrassed with what I have written. haha.



So stable.


Let's go to sleep...Tomorrow is another day:)

The weakest point is the strongest point

Sometimes it is hard to accept one's weak point, no matter that is other's or yours. But I think that weak point could be the strongest point to that person. And it makes him or her unique.


Every person is given an advantage and disadvantage. For example, as for me, I was born relatively naive, in other words, sensitive. I might have been born so by nature or that characteristic might have been build up as I grew up. It might be because of my DNA or the environment in which I grew up. But maybe people can change with just a few commitments or decisions. Accepting and showing my weakness is hard, but that is true and it has the largest potential to change me and support me.


So I decided not to conceal me with armors. Just treating my weakness with care because that is not a bad thing. That is my characteristic.





It is easier said than done.

Let's finish my routine and go to bed. I have tomorrow.

:)

Well...

I found out that actually I can try not to be busy. It's a matter of my mentality.


It was a good day this morning, but it turned out to be rainy. I headed off thirty minutes earlier than usual and took a walk around the campus. The trees are starting changing the color of leaves. And the sky was so blue. I think I refreshed a lot with just a little time of relaxing. I've been busy these days (or I was too lazy to compress the time for studying). But sometimes I need to take a break.

Today I read an article on the Internet about a woman who runs a company. (I forgot what kind of company that was) She is a morning person. She did not recommand to have a morning life too much, but she said that she ended up with having a morning life when she was looking for the best way to keep herself best and happiest. Lack of sleep cannot be an excuse for a bad performance at work.

Maybe it is one of fun to have lazy life. But I know that my life is limited. The things I can do are restrained by time.


Time is so mysterious. Time makes us forget things. Time heals the hurt. Over time people die. Over time relationships are being build.
Over time people change. A moment before, I was a different person. Every moment I'm changing. I hope so.


:)))

Before I forget.

Well, I haven't written for 6 days? As I said, the last week was the busiest week. I think I shouldn't say "I'm busy." Sometimes maybe I'll get really really busy, but this busy days could have been solved just by efficiency or consentration.

I'll try not to say "I'm busy." Do get over by studying and managing time well. I don't wanna skip my routines, and I also look as if I take easy.


Put this aside, I watched a shocking documentary movie today. That is about a genocide in Sudan. People get around toward the one side of the country to get food and refuge.

It was just so horroble. The people are afraid of being shot, beaten and raped. They lost their family. A woman even committed to join the rebellion army. As a woman, I just couldn't imagine that women took guns and practice and looked for a chance to revenge for their family killed.


Every issue around me looked so trivial. They are suffering from unjustice, unfairness and fear of being killed.

How about me?

I'm just wondering what to do or what to say in front of other people. I know that is important to me, but I need to know about the other world. Consindering about the people who are in situations in which I never am in, I don't have to think about myself too much.





By tonight, I have to write a short reading response about Shakespeare's poem. I need to get the meaing of the poem by myself, but I asked Google for help:)

Anyway, it was a good and deep one. "Let me not to the marriage of true minds"

In short, it says that true love shouldn't change over time. I don't know well about that kind of stuff, it just made me curious. Someday I hope I will know before I die.


Let's get everything done before the clock tells me tomorrow.



Everything is going to be fine.
:)

Sleepy...

Now I've been studying without almost any sleep. (I just took an one-hour nap) As my policy, I usually don't study overnight because I think that is inefficient for studying.

This time, it was not compulsory, just I wanted to get this done. Maybe I could have done not so much that I can take an A on the quiz. It was my interest. And I think it's amazing to me that I could keep awake with two cups of coffee for 23 hours. Clap!!

I'm writing the blog because my finger hurts from griping the pen for a long time. I have 6 hours until the class starts... OMG!!


So many good things are happening around me. Each of them is a small happiness, but when I collect them, it becomes great amount of happiness. Happiness is relative to the normal condition, and it's based on how you interpret it. Nothing is wastful.

Gradually I'm understanding what is happening to me, and accepting the fact. I don't have to compare with other people.


I cannot book the airline tickets yet. I should've had called the agency sooner. Too late.

I wanna speak English more. Sometimes it bothers me to switch my language. It's not because I'm fluent in English, but because I tried to speak English and so my brain tends to make English sesnteces unwittingly.

Oh well, I'm not sure if I can study English today...I will do that anytime today, but I'm not sure it's gonna be before the class or just before going to sleep.

Time to go back to study. Actually I have tons of things that I want to write down, but next time...


Everything is going to be fine!! Focus on achieving my goal!!

:)